The Wild Ride:
Journeys to the Post Office


Now, one might not think that the post office is the most interesting of places to go to. But, I can assure you you are wrong. The post office is filled with wonderfully cheery workers at the end of every fast moving line. They even have convenient hours for those with busy schedules!


When going to the post office, I have a ritual, which aligns itself to the major things you should do when you're travelling. The first of which is always wait until the last minute and NEVER have a list. When I'm going to the post, I never know what I'm going to bring, even if my trip is planned weeks in advance. Sure, I may forget a few things, like say my pants, but I always buy another pair when I am out.


The second thing I do is make as loud a presence as possible. It doesn't matter if it is 3 in the morning or 3 in the afternoon. Turn up your music to deafening levels. It is the best thing to do when travelling. You never see what's around you and are completely unaware of your surroundings. Why would you want to pick anything up like scenery or culture or traffic laws anyway?


The third thing I do is use as many rude and obscene gesture as possible. It may not seem like the best idea at first, but it really brings out the best in your locals. I mean, how do you know what to avoid if you don't test the limits, eh? This requires a little research, however, because rude gestures vary from place to place.


Now, as I'm driving down the street I ignore EVERY traffic sign I come across. They are only suggestions after all, or at least that is what I learned in Driver's Ed here in Boston. You also have to drive between 20 and 30 miles per hour above the speed limit. I'd convert it to kilometers per hour, but that'd require advanced planning and I have no calculator on me. Sorry :-/


So, I finally get to the parking lot of the Post office in the downtown of my town and i cut as many people off as I can. They should be driving in my way anyhow! Inconsiderate gits! Now, when I finally get into the largest space possible, I do this by parking in TWO spaces of course, I put the car in park and then try to locate the mail I was going to send out in the abyss of my vehicle. I finally find it, though not all of it, and head into the post office, pantsless.


I walk into the spacious 5X15 foot post office lobby and stand in the short 20 person line. I stand and look at the shiney and wonderously sticky floor. I stand in the same spot for a short 20 minutes, after the shortest hour of my natural life I am finally greeted by the happy scowling face of the employee in front of me! the joy!


"Yes." the flat tone of the worker fluttered into my ear like a butterfly floating in the air.
"I'd like to mail these"
"Sir, you have no stamps."
"I'd like to mail these. THANK you."
"Sir, you have no stamps on these envelopes AND you have no pants on?!" The violence in her voice gave me excited butterflies never had someone been so nice to me in the post office
"Looks like I forgot those"
"sir, you'll need to get pants and come back. With some stamps."
"OK" and I turn on my heels and walk out of the large lobby, mail in hand in pursuit of pants and stamps.


I walk back to my car, which has loving key scratches down the sides of it again and get in. I back out and go to the clothes store. Calvin has an outlet nearby. I learned to wear nothing but the best from my fellow huffs! and I buy myself some nice $90 pants, black with lime green and neon orange trim. With pants bought, I go to the general store. I buy a book of stamps. I sit in my car and put stamps on my letters, digging to find more letter I've forgotten to send. Bills too.

I drive back to the post office, adopting the same parking method, and walk into the post office. I put the letters in the bag my pants came in and walk back into the end of the short, 40 person line. It is out the door. They must be busy today.



After three hours of admiring the pleasantly sticky floor I come to the front counter with the same wonderful woman.

"Sir, you still have no pants."
"Yes, I do, they're right here!" I hold up the bag with the letter and my new fancy pants in them.
She shakes her head from side to side like she's disagreeing with me.
"No no, they're right here." I say, opening my bag and showing her.
"All right sir." She says, flatly.
"Can I mail these letters now?" I say, eagerly awaiting her cheerful answer.
She raises an eyebrow at me and lowers her face, looking me in the eye. "Sir, you have to put your pants ON before I can help you."
"Right.." I take my spiffy new pants out of the bag and put them on. "Now?"
"Yes, I CAN take you now" She says in her lovely violence-laiden tone.

I hand her the letter and then wait for her to return. I step up and down on the sticky floor. it makes an odd almost-suction noise. She returns.


"Sir, what are you still doing here?" She looks at me sideways.
"did you mail my letters?"
"YES, now get out of the way before I MOVE you. The next person needs to get his mailing done. Now MOVE!" She yelled at me in her shrill, authortative voice and I almost jumped in my skin. I think she really liked me.

I did as she asked and walked out of the office, got into my car and then drove back home. Another wonderful trip to the post office.