Weird Wizarding Dilemmas

*Disclaimer* The Agony Witch takes no responsibility for any harm done to one's person or property caused by inappropriate use of the advice contained below.i.e., be sensible! - Ceit Uiseag, Wizarding Times Agony Witch.


My boyfriend lives 2000 miles away. What do I do? Name and house supplied.
Well, first off, I would advise keeping in touch with him! Obvious, you might think, but a thing oft neglected. Send frequent electronic owls and snail-owls, and consider installing a program on your computer that will enable you to have conversations if the phone bills would be too big using voice calls. Keep a picture of your beloved at hand. Share your day-to-day happenings with each other, even if it's just what you had for dinner, or the chaos the kneazle caused in the garden with your gnomes. Little things help you grow closer. Distance does not mean doom for a relationship, you just have to work at it.

How do you turn your nose hair into ringlets? From Shanell Louis of Hufflepuff.
A simple charm is all that is required, dear Shanell...but a word of warning! Incorrectly applied, this charm may cause an upsetting and irreversible growth of twigs from your nostrils, and these will eventually be colonised with bowtruckles.so be careful! Okay, take your wand, carefully point it at the offending straight nostril hair, and using a 'flick-and swish'.NOT 'swish-and-flick' movement, cast the charm 'folliculus nasalis spiralis'. This charm should be said quietly, to avoid the aforementioned twig infestation. Happy beautifying, I'm sure your new look will suit you well!

Does Dom really wear pink tights? Or are they plain old skin-coloured ones? From Dolly Bulge of Hufflepuff.
After some research, in the absence of the great man himself, your correspondent has it on good authority that Dom has a pair of pink leather pants in his quidditch locker.but I don't know about the tights!

Every time I try to cast the 'lumos' charm, a green light shines out of my mouth for a while.could this be a sign that I am doing the spell wrong? From Phoenix Fire of Gryffindor.
I think your problem, Phoenix, is due to the way you verbally cast the charm.over-pronunciation of the 'lum' part of the 'lumos' spell causes magic to be applied to the nearest lumen, or space, to your wand. The light becomes green because the second part of the spell then becomes 'mos'.or 'moss', which is.green! In most cases, this lumen is your mouth.Revise your pronunciation and concentrate on the spell, and you should find yourself improving beyond recognition.

I have no trouble with Dementors like Harry did, but I want to learn to do a proper patronous so I'll be able to defend myself. I have produced 3 perfect patronuses. My patronus is a jaguar. But sometimes when I do it, it's about to drive off the dementor, but then it shatters, and disappears. What am I doing wrong? From Alex Chang of Gryffindor.
Alex, all that is needed is practice.maybe when the patronus breaks up, you are feeling nervous, anxious about producing the spell? Do as Harry did, concentrate hard on that happy feeling, as it is important to know that you can produce your patronus when you need to defend yourself.

I can do almost any charm...except the one where you make the pineapple dance across the table. When ever I do it the pineapple turns purple, glows green, says moo, splits in half, joins back together, does a front flip and turns into a chicken. Why would this be? From Hestia Tonks of Hufflepuff.
I would advise that you check your wand for signs of chizpurfle infestation, dear.those annoying little pests have been known to damage the magical core of a wand so that it cannot perform spells correctly, the results being often amusing, as in your case, but sometimes dangerous. If you can find no signs of chizpurfles, check the pineapple you are using.is it in actual fact a pineapple? It may be a transfigured and very confused farm animal, which would explain the mooing and turning into a chicken. I will be happy to provide further assistance if necessary.

I've been going out with a Muggle for the past 3 years now and he has just recently asked me to marry him! I really do love him, but the problem is this - My parent's are strict one's and they do not know that I have a boyfriend, so telling them that I do and that we're planning to get married could shock them, also telling them that he's a Muggle could really make them disown me! What shall I do? Please help! From Hermione Wood of Hufflepuff.
This is a sticky situation indeed.you must think about the consequences of your actions, but firstly, if you are of an age where you can marry, your parents should be able to accept your actions and choices, no matter how strict they are. It is your life, dear, but be careful. You must decide whether you can cope with the arguments and upsets that may break out upon your announcement, and whether you can possibly reconcile your parents. Try to get them used to his presence before you announce your engagement, try to get them to like him before you tell your parents his blood type.do they even need to know his blood type? As we all know, it is not what a person is born, but who they choose to become, that matters. Good luck.

What happened to the old Hogsmeade that used to exist before the one we have now? I once saw a place called "Kevin's Kritters" or something like that but I haven't seen is since the new Hogsmeade. So where did it go? Where did it all go? From Becky Walker of Hufflepuff.
Well, Becky, there is only one Hogsmeade, it's just that the 'old' Hogsmeade was in need of redevelopment, some landscape architecture and suchlike. So it was all knocked over (preserving the buildings of historical significance and beauty, of course) and built up again with shiny new shops and houses.

When I was de-gnoming my garden yesterday afternoon, one of them bit my arm, and it's starting to grow purple lumps all over it. The gnome got away, and I'm somewhat scared. What should I do? From Edgar Evert of Ravenclaw.
Gnomes are not generally known for their cleanliness, and this includes tooth-brushing. I suspect that your arm has been infected with some kind of magical bug, and I would recommend a prompt visit to the hospital wing or St Mungos. Delay in this matter could cause the infection to spread, with unpleasant consequences. Right now, you should bathe your arm in a cleansing potion containing bundimun secretion diluted in water (one part bundimun secretion to fifty parts water, the stuff is dangerous in concentrated form), and wrap the arm in a bandage.

My father turned my mother into a pig before he ran away. My feelings are so confused. Should I learn to love this pig mother? How do I get my father back home? How can I change my mother back? From Morpheus Androlicus of Hufflepuff.
Your mother is still your mother, no matter what form she is in, so yes, you can and should still love her. I suspect, though, that she may not be too amused about being a pig, and she will probably appreciate being restored to her usual form. However, it is best to have a trained healer do this transformation, as many things can go wrong. As for your father, well, I don't want to pry, but there must have been something going on between your parents to cause this kind of a situation. See if you can contact your father, and try to persuade your parents to talk. Tell them how you feel, and that you want your father to come back. Hopefully they will be able to resolve their argument, but if they do not, do not feel guilty, the matter is between them, and is not your fault.

How come my Mandrake can suddenly walk and why is it eating all the squirrels in my garden? What's the best way to catch it? ('cause chasing it, throwing a quaffle at it, cursing it or trying to beat it k.o. with my broom doesn't work.) From Professor Valerian Mandragora of Ravenclaw.
Oooh, Professor, you have a mutant mandrake! Somehow your mandrake's DNA has been invaded by some DNA from a clabbert. This is why it has taken to walking about and going up trees to eat squirrels. I am not surprised that your efforts to catch it have been unsuccessful, as this hybrid mandrake will be extremely agile. I would recommend using a squirrel as bait, on a long branch up a tree, and levitating a very thick, tough net above the branch. When the mandrake/clabbert goes along the branch to get the squirrel, charm the net to wrap tightly around creature and branch, trapping it and sparing the poor squirrel. Then, contact the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, who will be able to deal with the mandrake in a suitable manner.

How do you get your friends to understand the love and fandomness you have for Harry Potter and Hogwarts world? Via PM. Name and house supplied.
This is a hard one.I suffer with this myself.hmmm. In my experience, the best thing to do is to try and find something that your friends are nuts about that you are not, and use it as a comparison. For instance.people who follow Star Trek and are interested are trekkers, those who know Klingon operas are trekkies. Those who don't like HP are muggles, those who are kind of into it are Potters, and people like us are Potties. This is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, it's part of who we are! Eventually, your muggle friends will see that if they can't beat us, they have to join us, muahahahaha! Be proud of your Potterholism, and in time your friends will understand

Ceit Uiseag